Finding happiness in the chaos: A spouse’s perspective on posttraumatic stress disorder

Do you believe in fairy tales?

I do! I’m living my very own fairy tale daily. It has everything you would expect: a damsel in distress, a Prince Charming… and yes, a villain.

If we go back to the very beginning of our story, you could check off all the classic clichés: love at first sight but at the wrong time, followed by a serendipitous phone call a year later that set everything in motion.

He was my rock from day two. Somehow, he saw through my “I’m fine” mask and saw that I was hanging on by a thread. After only two dates, I knew I could lean on him and trust him with my life, that I could be my authentic self around him. He gave me the courage to admit and face the storm I was in the middle of struggling with — a burnout and on the cusp of depression — and know that it was okay.

Today, I write these words looking back on 20 years of our story.

We lived the full military life fairy tale. It didn’t matter where we were posted as long as we were “together,” or at least had the same home address! We rebooked our wedding date four times to work around postings, taskings and missions. When it finally happened, it was our fairy-tale wedding with our two-year-old as the ring bearer.

With every new transfer we grew closer and wove the ups and downs of military life into our story, making it all the more meaningful.

It wasn’t until after his return from a distant land that a villain infiltrated our story…

Sorry! No big bad wolf or evil witch here… but there was something dark and invisible. At first it felt like a mysterious beast lurking in the shadows, taking over his mind and body from time to time. With time, it was as if someone had cast a spell on him. The invisible beast had taken control, trapping him in his mind and body.

I knew he was still in there because sometimes, in a glance, a gesture or even the tone of his voice, I’d see and hear glimpses of the Prince Charming I had fallen in love with. As if, for a brief moment, the spell would lift. That’s when I knew I had to help him break it. It was my turn to be his rock while he found his way “back.”

It took us four long years to understand what we were truly fighting. The beast had a name: posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The hardest part? It was completely invisible to everyone else.

Let me be clear: Invisible is not a synonym for imaginary. The suffering and pain are very real. PTSD can cast a long shadow that engulfs loved ones and can silence, isolate and push them away.

And that’s when the doubts began. Could I ever break the spell?

Well, plot twist: It wasn’t up to me… it was up to us.

We realized that living a real-life fairy tale wasn’t about “happily ever after.” It was about choosing each other through the storms, fighting the beast in the shadows together and learning to find happiness not after the storm and the chaos, but within it.

We have been living with this “villain” for over 15 years now.

I’ll be honest, there were times when I was so ready to write “THE END” and move on to a new book. But then, those glimpses would come along. Reminding me —  and us — that there was still something beautiful here worth fighting for. That’s when we made a pact: to keep living our fairy tale our way, as long as we faced this beast together. Because together, we were stronger.

Yes, I know… that’s sooo clichéd. Yet so true.

The dark chapter

There’s a dark chapter I haven’t shared yet. The one where, in trying to save him, I wandered so far into the darkness that I completely lost my way. I thought that if I just loved harder and held on tighter, I could break the spell myself.

It took me a few years to realize that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Helping someone doesn’t mean losing yourself in the process.

If there’s one thing I want you to take away, it’s this: You are not alone.

Seek help and guidance. And oh my goodness, there are so many resources out there for Veterans and their Families, including some that have helped keep our fairy tale alive. There is a list of them at the end of this blog.

We just finished Round 3 of couples counselling. And we’ll probably need more in the future. The funny thing is, we saw ourselves as the most dysfunctional couple out there but we’ve realized that we’re actually rock stars when it comes to communication and trust, precisely because of the PTSD storm we’ve had and will continue to navigate.

So, what’s the moral of our story? It wasn’t up to me to break the spell. It was up to us.

And that’s what love looks like… choosing each other, again and again.

“Happily ever after” can exist, even if PTSD is the villain in your story too.

— Ariane