‘What if?’ — The choices we make

As we approach the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) National Memorial Service and Canadian Police and Peace Officers’ Memorial events in September, I have been reflecting about how important it is to remember those Peace Officers who gave their lives in the service of all Canadians. Many think of this as just a time to cry, to mourn, to be sad.

As I reflect though, I believe it is much more than that.  A day like this offers us a time to remember, to celebrate, to recognize all those who served and the choices they made that left a better life for our communities. This isn’t just a moment for other Peace Officers, but for everyone who serves and lives in our communities. All Canadians.

When thinking of the past I often see people, especially those who serve, say “what if I had done X instead of Y?” or “what if I had chosen A instead of B?” especially in those times when they faced an obstacle, difficulties or a negative outcome. This is an unfortunate reality of a career where most of the situations we face do involve life and death — and all of our decisions are up for scrutiny.

While it is important to learn from our choices, it is also critical to continue moving forward. To overcome events and do the best you can, knowing you will make more mistakes in the future, we also must remember that to do so. We may have to lean on friends, Family and each other as well as to seek out the help that will give us the power to overcome whatever stands in our way to a happier, healthier and more productive life.

A long time ago after an error in judgment when I was feeling sorry for myself, my father gave me a good piece of advice that I pass on. My father said, “Don’t ‘what if?’ it to death.” “Learn from your mistakes, move on, and don’t make the same mistakes again.” I have tried to take that advice and no matter what life threw at me, to make the best of the situation and move forward. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not.

So, where have my mistakes led me? One of my earlier ones that would go on to define my life happened in September 1978. I found myself joining the Seaforth Highlanders of Canada Army Cadet Corps in Port Coquitlam, BC, instead of Sea Cadets. All because I showed up on the wrong night. The decision to come in on a Monday night instead of a Tuesday directly led to my wearing a kilt instead of a sailor’s hat. A picture of me in that kilt at age 12 would go on to form a bond between me and my grandfather, Jack. That unlocked a lifetime of interest in my Scottish ancestry as well as my Family’s service and sacrifice in the First and Second World Wars. Those stories triggered a desire for me to also serve. In the last 48 years going from being a Cadet, to an Officer with the Cadet Instructors Cadre, to being a volunteer firefighter, to joining the RCMP, first as an Auxiliary and then as a RCMP Regular Member.

That decision to come in on a Monday instead of a Tuesday directly caused me to meet my wife for which the outcome is three wonderful daughters, six amazing grandchildren and 42 years of marriage. It also led me to join the RCMP and eventually retire in Alberta with service all over Canada and a tour in Afghanistan. Most importantly, it led to making so many friends within the RCMP, the Canadian Armed Forces (CAF) and in the communities I served.

That service also led me to taskings and situations that were hard on my Family and I. Like many, not only did I sacrifice so much while serving those communities, but so did my Family. I would challenge anyone — when you take time to think of those Peace Officers, to also think of those that stood with them, supported them and made them who they were. We have to understand that firefighting, policing, the CAF as well as many other service careers are “team sports.” You don’t do any of them alone on the front lines and you can’t do them alone at home. Everyone needs a support network. Everyone needs to know their limits and how their service impacts those around them. Like many, it took too long for me to appreciate that and to seek out those supports.

Five years ago, I retired from the RCMP and moved into a role supporting RCMP Members with another organization. It is extremely satisfying and not nearly as stressful. It also allows me to dedicate more time to my Family as well as to set up a plan to do the things that I had often put on the back burner. Going to dinner and shows with my wife regularly. Camping with friends. Going on trips with my Family. Sometimes, just being there.

So, this September, take a few moments to remember those Peace Officers who gave their lives for Canadians. Remember those who have given and still give. But then, take some time for yourself and your Family. For all the good things you have done in your service. No matter what your role was.

I can’t change the past, but I hope that I have done my best for the future.

— Gary Hollender